23 August 2006

I am unsure any more. I feel tired, but then I’m not entirely sure that’s not to do with the walk to New Beckenham station (too many negatives in that sentence). I’ve tried getting to sleep earlier and it sort of helps, but I don’t seem to sleep longer, or feel much better for it. Last night was asleep by 11.30 but woke about 4.30, then dozed a bit until 6.30. I’m hoping that it will settle soon so I at least only feel tired when I’m exerting myself. It’s a bit tiresome to be feeling tired when just walking slowly – especially as I was banking on being able to stroll around slowly to be my fallback position, i.e. if I couldn’t move quickly or do things normal people can do, at least I could move slowly.

Am trying to remain positive, but it’s tough. I guess when I saw the doctor, I felt that things were moving and at least I was going to be on the road to finding out. Now it’s “between tests”, I suddenly feel alone and that there’s no progress. It’s irrational because there’s still stuff happening, obviously. The blood tests are being checked out, the appointment at Kings is being arranged, all that sort of thing is happening. And yet it all feels quite flat, like nothing is happening. I suppose it’s a symptom of the way life is these days, or at least the way it’s been for me. I’ve been very lucky in life: as a rule, if I’ve wanted something, I’ve gone and got it, things have been within my control. Whilst I’ve got better in recent years at not needing to be in control, it’s been increasingly difficult lately to do that. Being in control means getting stuff sorted out. It’s not quite working like that, but c’est la vie.