24 August 2006
I have a headache. Well, not a headache exactly, but aching at the back of my neck. I don’t, of course, have painkillers with me, and the pain isn’t really severe enough for me to go and get some. When I was trying to find out what the EMG test was all about, and discovered the condition Myasthenia Gravis that sort of looks like it matches my symptoms, and one of the things it mentioned was the possibility of neck pain as the strain of holding up one’s head had the same effect on muscles there as the ones in the legs do from walking. Of course, it could just be a stress thing – which would also be entirely consistent with me trying to come to terms with a condition that is as yet undiagnosed.
Interestingly (if one finds these sorts of things interesting), I’ve only ascribed this problem to my legs thus far. Doing cerebral work, I’ve not noticed any effect on my arms, for example. This is in no small part due to me having steered clear of the gym for the past couple of months, aside from one visit to see if I still could (at that time, yes I could) so I’ve not done the arm, shoulder and chest exercises that might have shown an effect on other muscles. In all honesty, I’m really a little reticent to try pushing other muscles to see if they give way. It doesn’t strike me as a very clever thing to do, and I’m assuming if this problem is universal throughout my body, any treatment will work on all my muscles. I did mention to Dr Cheung that I’ve not noticed any problem with my arms solely because I don’t use them as I do my legs (I haven’t tried walking on my hands for many years).
Trying not to get ahead of myself, imagining what it might be, is tough when there is so much crap to deal with. I’ve had plenty of support from family but, I suppose slightly stupidly, my instinct is to put on a brave face for them, as I always have done. Since emerging as a newly independent person in my late 20s/early 30s, when I began fully to understand who I am and to express myself, I’ve always internalised my feelings.
What continues to surprise me is that my legs are just as muscular as before. I’ve no idea how quickly the muscles deteriorate if you stop using them (and I certainly don’t exercise anything like I used to – well, I don’t formally exercise at all at the moment). If anything, the muscle tone seems to be being maintained. If I stand upright I can feel the muscles tense up and flex; it’s one thing that still gives me a good feeling about myself, and good feelings are hard to come by right now
As a footnote, it’s midday and the pain in the neck (literal, not figurative!) seems to have abated. I must try to remember to carry painkillers with me though. It’s so much easier not to obsess about these things if you can self-medicate and ditch the symptoms to help get through the day.
Interestingly (if one finds these sorts of things interesting), I’ve only ascribed this problem to my legs thus far. Doing cerebral work, I’ve not noticed any effect on my arms, for example. This is in no small part due to me having steered clear of the gym for the past couple of months, aside from one visit to see if I still could (at that time, yes I could) so I’ve not done the arm, shoulder and chest exercises that might have shown an effect on other muscles. In all honesty, I’m really a little reticent to try pushing other muscles to see if they give way. It doesn’t strike me as a very clever thing to do, and I’m assuming if this problem is universal throughout my body, any treatment will work on all my muscles. I did mention to Dr Cheung that I’ve not noticed any problem with my arms solely because I don’t use them as I do my legs (I haven’t tried walking on my hands for many years).
Trying not to get ahead of myself, imagining what it might be, is tough when there is so much crap to deal with. I’ve had plenty of support from family but, I suppose slightly stupidly, my instinct is to put on a brave face for them, as I always have done. Since emerging as a newly independent person in my late 20s/early 30s, when I began fully to understand who I am and to express myself, I’ve always internalised my feelings.
What continues to surprise me is that my legs are just as muscular as before. I’ve no idea how quickly the muscles deteriorate if you stop using them (and I certainly don’t exercise anything like I used to – well, I don’t formally exercise at all at the moment). If anything, the muscle tone seems to be being maintained. If I stand upright I can feel the muscles tense up and flex; it’s one thing that still gives me a good feeling about myself, and good feelings are hard to come by right now
As a footnote, it’s midday and the pain in the neck (literal, not figurative!) seems to have abated. I must try to remember to carry painkillers with me though. It’s so much easier not to obsess about these things if you can self-medicate and ditch the symptoms to help get through the day.
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02:53
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