16 March 2011

I was asked today about my dreams – what dreams do I have that are as yet unfulfilled.

I thought long and hard, and realised that so many of the dreams I used to have will never come true.

One of the toughest and yet easiest decisions that I have made in recent years was to have a vasectomy. It was tough because I know that I could produce beautiful children (only boys, but that is nature, apparently). I loved the process of bringing them up, helping to shape them, helping them to become independent-minded, to realise their dreams.

But I knew that having more children could never be the same. Even my 'almost' daughter, who shares with me fond memories of me swinging her up on my shoulders and carrying her around Darling Harbour, has blessed me with experiences that I will always treasure, but know that I can never repeat.

I feel that MS has robbed me of so many choices. Perhaps many of them I'd never have made, but I'd like to have had the choice.

Do I regret it? Well, a little, perhaps, but my life is so rich now, so filled with different choices, that it's hard to have regrets or to feel resentment.

My hero, the late Johnny Hicklenton, put it so beautifully when he said “I look at kids playing in the street and I think, thank god for your myelin sheath that allows you to do the things that you do”. It's not hard to hero-worship someone who felt the same losses that I feel, yet still adapted to do the fabulous things that he could do.

I may have lost some of my choices, some of my dreams, but there are still so many that remain.