15 March 2013

Today is shaping up as a good day. Got up early basically because because that's when I woke up. Seemed like a good idea.

Plus I'm going to the second and final stop on my 'farewell tour'. Yes I know that's not much of a tour, but I want to do the things that are special in my memory before too much time has passed so that, although she's not said anything, I'm not intruding on my friend.

The two places are both special because they hold fond memories, which I so want to etch on my mind. There is one other place, a beautiful gardens where we had tea, but I think that can be done another time, without fear of intruding. More public and more space.

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Talk about spoke too soon.  Just as one door closes, another slams in your face.

I know I didn't take her for granted.  Never.  And I knew it was all too good to last.  Yes at times I felt a twinge of resentment that she always drove the car; just a twinge, but it was more frustration than anything else.  I knew it was irritation that it was the sensible thing to do, because it left me with more energy.

What I hadn't realised was how I was coming to depend on her.  And that is a painfully unhealthy position.

It reminds me of the time, early in our relationship, when she was pushing my wheelchair in Windsor, and I burst into tears.  I feared more than anything that I would fall in love with this angel, and that it wouldn't last.  How prescient was that?

And now, everywhere I want to go is too hard, too far, too inaccessible.

It really is one step forward (metaphorically) and two steps back.