17 March 2013

Another day in paradise. It was actually better than that sounds.
Both of my boys came round which was lovely as always. And there is a night of one of my favourite social events next month so lots to look forward to.

I'm still unsure of what to do about my personal care. It's a real dilemma. I know I need some help but I'm not sure what or when or how often. I do know that I have to get it sorted before I start dating again; I can't run the risk of things falling apart because of the MS. But having a carer will be so intrusive; where will my privacy be?

What price fecking independence? I'm sure that nobody ever thinks that independence is more than not living in an institution.

Maybe I will try to talk it over with W. she did say she'd help me to sort it out. Truth is I don't know where to begin. How stupid is that?

------------------------------------------------------
My youngest brother has just popped round.

I took the opportunity to voice my fears and my needs.

What is clear is that W wasn't  just my lover and friend, but her being here allowed me so much freedom and independence, it's impossible to explain (to anyone who doesn't already understand.

She was my Jiminy Cricket.  When we were going out, she would rein me in, reminding me that letting her do things was conserving my energy, so that we could do more together.  I was also able to push myself harder, knowing that she would take up the slack.

She gave me more independence just be being here.  Not, I hope, that it was a one way street.  I gave what I could.  But in the end, I knew that it wasn't enough.  That was the reason for my tears so early on; without knowing quite why, I knew that it couldn't last.  And that is the bitter, unpalatable, regrettable truth.