1 May 2009
I guess I should consider myself lucky. I am surrounded by love - from my children, my family, even my ex-wife. But I don't. Well of course I do. How much of an ingrate would I be not to feel very fortunate to be surrounded by people who care about me?
But what I want, more than anything, is to feel the love of a good woman; C is a good woman. She had a gift for making me feel so many things that I didn't feel since my diagnosis, to feel good about myself, to feel desired.
And now I have lost that. Were I emotionally stronger, I could wait, to see if things changed, to give her space. I think since the MS I have changed. I am in uncharted territory. I used to say that if something wasn't right, I would just walk away. I was a hard bastard. Not callous but hard. I suppose it was a form of self-preservation, avoiding preventable unhappiness. Now I find it extremely difficult to just walk away. I want to try to fix what can be fixed if it can be fixed, not to just discard it on the basis that it might not be fixable. The trouble is, it tends to manifest itself as a kind of obsession. Now that's not an attractive proposition to any woman.
The saying goes that we always hurt the ones we love. Well I've certainly hurt my boys. I have been perhaps too honest with them about my relationship with C, and they feel responsible. They shouldn't. There is only one person responsible for that, and it's me. I should have done more for her, not taken her for granted, not got caught up in a status quo that I felt was right for me but left her feeling unappreciated and isolated from my family.
When I finally took the bull by the horns and seized an opportunity to introduce her to my brothers, as she said, it was too little too late. I always preferred the maxim 'better late than never', but I suppose that doesn't cut it when it's not me that is making the judgement.
Ironically, I think one of C's greatest fears was of being left to care for me on her own, if the worst came to the worst. I am sure, as sure as I can be, that now that simply wouldn't be the case. My family have rallied round in a way that I would never have thought possible. I have always felt proud of my family, of how supportive we are when push comes to shove. But now I know it to be really true.
But we are where we are. I have been the architect of my own downfall, and have to live with the consequences.
But what I want, more than anything, is to feel the love of a good woman; C is a good woman. She had a gift for making me feel so many things that I didn't feel since my diagnosis, to feel good about myself, to feel desired.
And now I have lost that. Were I emotionally stronger, I could wait, to see if things changed, to give her space. I think since the MS I have changed. I am in uncharted territory. I used to say that if something wasn't right, I would just walk away. I was a hard bastard. Not callous but hard. I suppose it was a form of self-preservation, avoiding preventable unhappiness. Now I find it extremely difficult to just walk away. I want to try to fix what can be fixed if it can be fixed, not to just discard it on the basis that it might not be fixable. The trouble is, it tends to manifest itself as a kind of obsession. Now that's not an attractive proposition to any woman.
The saying goes that we always hurt the ones we love. Well I've certainly hurt my boys. I have been perhaps too honest with them about my relationship with C, and they feel responsible. They shouldn't. There is only one person responsible for that, and it's me. I should have done more for her, not taken her for granted, not got caught up in a status quo that I felt was right for me but left her feeling unappreciated and isolated from my family.
When I finally took the bull by the horns and seized an opportunity to introduce her to my brothers, as she said, it was too little too late. I always preferred the maxim 'better late than never', but I suppose that doesn't cut it when it's not me that is making the judgement.
Ironically, I think one of C's greatest fears was of being left to care for me on her own, if the worst came to the worst. I am sure, as sure as I can be, that now that simply wouldn't be the case. My family have rallied round in a way that I would never have thought possible. I have always felt proud of my family, of how supportive we are when push comes to shove. But now I know it to be really true.
But we are where we are. I have been the architect of my own downfall, and have to live with the consequences.
posted by somebody else at
23:59
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