25 April 2009

I feel very proud today. My first born is starting his first Saturday job, a major milestone. It drives home to me how lucky I am to have two sons of whom I can be so proud. Despite all the nonsense and disappointments and difficulties in my life, some of my own making, some out of my control, they have been a constant source of pride, love and support to me. It sounds too morbid to say they are my reason for living - in any case, how could I know what path my life might have taken if I had not had them - but they both make my life more complete, more happy.

I worry about them though. Both are going through public exams at the moment, and I know they are both feeling the stress. I wish I could do something to make it easier for them, as I have tried to do throughout their lives, but I know that this time they have to do it themselves. I hope I have contributed to giving them the tools that they need to face up to the challenge. I hope that they will talk to me or their mother if they need to.

I remember with great happiness the times when I took them up to bed, one on my back the other clinging to my front. Good memories. And I remember reading to them at bedtime. Always the same routine, the elder one would be asleep within a couple of minutes of me starting, the younger one would lay in his bunk, eyes glued to me, not sleeping until I stopped reading. Happy memories.

Now they are almost grown men, and the words my father told to me keep on coming back into my mind. "Eventually, the child becomes the parent, and the parent the child." Although it was not meant to happen for many years, the process has already started. They look out for me when I'm with them; when we are out together, I'm always aware of them, one on each side of me, close enough to catch me if I stumble, but not too close to make me feel like an invalid. I've never talked to them about it, but I guess it's something that perhaps they have talked about between themselves. When I leave them, they always want me to phone them when I get home or if I forget, which I often do, they phone me, just to make sure that I'm okay and got home safely.

Whatever I have done to help them become the fine young men they are today, I can't tell. All that I know is that they make me very proud, each and every day. I love them, more than they will ever know.