22 April 2009

Yesterday was a low point. Lower than I had ever imagined in my darkest moments that it could be. My brothers and my dad came round. A posse riding to my rescue. And yet. And yet.

It felt like I has been stripped of the last vestige of dignity and independence. They came to offer me help. I know I need it and I know that if I can accept it from anyone it is them.

I love them all with every breath in my body. In other circumstances I know - and they know - that I would do the same for any of them in a heartbeat. But that didn't make it any easier. The more they went on about how desperate my situation is the more it cut into me until the tears welled up in my eyes and I wept.

I so didn't want to do that, so badly wanted to say 'I'm fine' but I couldn't speak. And they sort of understood but not really. They understood that it's about my independence slipping away and assumed I guess that it's my pride that is important. Once upon a time that would have been true but my pride went a long time ago, along with my dignity. Now all that is left is my independence. The one thing that I
clung to, that I still had some control over. MS has removed all control that I has over most things in my life and now it is taking my independence too.

I suppose I sound ungrateful. Most people would be glad of family who were willing and able to put action to the unconditional love that I have always enjoyed. And I'm not ungrateful.

Just feeling fragile and lost and alone.