26 April 2009
Life is like a rollercoaster at the moment; this weekend has been a case in point.
Yesterday my eldest brother pitched up at C's house to collect my stuff. I hadn't asked him to and C had explicitly requested that I leave it for a while. C is having a hard time of it at the moment. I'm not sure what her thoughts are but I do know that, whilst we have split, I really want her to be a part of my life, in whatever way is possible. I know that the MS is a factor, but not the only one. I made many many mistakes in our two years together. Now, normally this wouldn't be an issue. Everyone makes mistakes, some more serious than others, but you deal with them and move on.
When MS is part of the picture, it becomes much more complicated. Because I needed her to make allowances for my inability to do things that, say, five years ago I would have done in a heartbeat, everything else takes on a greater significance because there is no compensatory benefit, no quid pro quo. At present, I can't even afford to buy her flowers although perhaps if I gave up smoking I could. In truth I had to rely on the parts of me that were not disabled and just hope that they were enough.
Perhaps they weren't. Perhaps that is what C is taking time out to figure out. I can only wait and hope. The irony of it all is that C has been one of the few people is my life who I have known for sure doesn't pity me. She pities herself to some extent, in terms of regretting that she didn't know me before MS. I agree with her on that; I was a much more assured and able individual then. Cocksure and arrogant at times perhaps, but we all have our faults, don't we? Most of all though, I could go anywhere and do anything. I didn't have to think ahead, or cry off because I felt too tired. These problems, difficulties, issues call them what you will, C never complained about. I'm sure they bothered her. After all, what right-minded person wouldn't be bothered? But she bore them with a fortitude that was exceptional, for someone of her relative youth and as active as any mother with children.
At times I have wondered why she would ever have been interested in me. It certainly was never my wealth, since I never has that much and am now poor as a church mouse; she's always been away, roughly, of my financial situation. And the MS, oh the MS. She has always been so sweet about it. When we first me, she was googling to find out about it, often telling me things I didn't know. So I had to conclude that it was the core of me that mattered to her, which made me feel very normal. It meant that I could just be me.
But back to the events on Saturday. At first I was perplexed at the reasoning behind the intrusion into my life. The visit to C's house to collect my stuff, without my knowledge, without C's consent, felt like an appalling intrusion, however well meant.
I had resolved just to leave it for the time being. I had shared my dilemma with my new best friend, L, who had suggested leaving it for a bit, respecting C's space. That was all derailed by what happened. I felt obliged to contact C and explain that it was not my doing. I don't know if she'll believe me. If not it could destroy what I had been trying to do. I emailed all my family asking them not to do things again without my knowledge. So much has already been stripped from me by the MS that where I can make my own decisions I really want to do it. No, it's more than that: I need to do it.
The day ended much better than it had begun. I had a really nice coffee and chat with L, sitting on the front step, enjoying the sunshine. It reminded me of being in Sydney, Australia or Mansdeville, Jamaica, where it is pretty much an obligation to sit on a veranda and enjoy the warmth. Ah, happy days.
Then I had dinner with my eldest brother. We had a good long chat and I think cleared the air. He was very apologetic and the conversation was easy and frank. Perhaps at last people will begin to understand me.
Yesterday my eldest brother pitched up at C's house to collect my stuff. I hadn't asked him to and C had explicitly requested that I leave it for a while. C is having a hard time of it at the moment. I'm not sure what her thoughts are but I do know that, whilst we have split, I really want her to be a part of my life, in whatever way is possible. I know that the MS is a factor, but not the only one. I made many many mistakes in our two years together. Now, normally this wouldn't be an issue. Everyone makes mistakes, some more serious than others, but you deal with them and move on.
When MS is part of the picture, it becomes much more complicated. Because I needed her to make allowances for my inability to do things that, say, five years ago I would have done in a heartbeat, everything else takes on a greater significance because there is no compensatory benefit, no quid pro quo. At present, I can't even afford to buy her flowers although perhaps if I gave up smoking I could. In truth I had to rely on the parts of me that were not disabled and just hope that they were enough.
Perhaps they weren't. Perhaps that is what C is taking time out to figure out. I can only wait and hope. The irony of it all is that C has been one of the few people is my life who I have known for sure doesn't pity me. She pities herself to some extent, in terms of regretting that she didn't know me before MS. I agree with her on that; I was a much more assured and able individual then. Cocksure and arrogant at times perhaps, but we all have our faults, don't we? Most of all though, I could go anywhere and do anything. I didn't have to think ahead, or cry off because I felt too tired. These problems, difficulties, issues call them what you will, C never complained about. I'm sure they bothered her. After all, what right-minded person wouldn't be bothered? But she bore them with a fortitude that was exceptional, for someone of her relative youth and as active as any mother with children.
At times I have wondered why she would ever have been interested in me. It certainly was never my wealth, since I never has that much and am now poor as a church mouse; she's always been away, roughly, of my financial situation. And the MS, oh the MS. She has always been so sweet about it. When we first me, she was googling to find out about it, often telling me things I didn't know. So I had to conclude that it was the core of me that mattered to her, which made me feel very normal. It meant that I could just be me.
But back to the events on Saturday. At first I was perplexed at the reasoning behind the intrusion into my life. The visit to C's house to collect my stuff, without my knowledge, without C's consent, felt like an appalling intrusion, however well meant.
I had resolved just to leave it for the time being. I had shared my dilemma with my new best friend, L, who had suggested leaving it for a bit, respecting C's space. That was all derailed by what happened. I felt obliged to contact C and explain that it was not my doing. I don't know if she'll believe me. If not it could destroy what I had been trying to do. I emailed all my family asking them not to do things again without my knowledge. So much has already been stripped from me by the MS that where I can make my own decisions I really want to do it. No, it's more than that: I need to do it.
The day ended much better than it had begun. I had a really nice coffee and chat with L, sitting on the front step, enjoying the sunshine. It reminded me of being in Sydney, Australia or Mansdeville, Jamaica, where it is pretty much an obligation to sit on a veranda and enjoy the warmth. Ah, happy days.
Then I had dinner with my eldest brother. We had a good long chat and I think cleared the air. He was very apologetic and the conversation was easy and frank. Perhaps at last people will begin to understand me.
posted by somebody else at
04:20
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