13 May 2009

For the past couple of days I've been feeling... I don't know, can't quite put my finger on it. Low might be as good word, but not right. Disconnected? Directionless? Whatever it is, I know I need to do something about it.

I've always been aware of the need to see where I'm going, at least to have some idea of what the future holds, so that I can maybe influence it, or at least prepare for it. But I also know that a major character law, which has only been made worse by the MS, is a seeming inability to let go. I cling to the past, to the familiar, to what I perceive as 'safety', however unrealistic it has become. I know in my logical mind that it is futile, and yet I still do it.

Today I have realised, and I think - I hope - accepted, that I need to deal with it.

I have used this diary as a means of getting my feelings down, but I have also been putting them in the public domain. Well, that's probably a little grandiose. Although in theory this is public, I don't imagine for a moment that anyone barring a few people who actually know me reads this.

So I need to move on. Quit baring my soul for everyone to see. Keep my inner feelings a little more private, perhaps. Yes, that's it. I find myself sitting in my flat, writing down my innermost thoughts and feelings, and the only thing that leaves my flat is my words. Not me.

Today is the day that I try to put the past behind me. Today I have resolved to stop clinging on to the safe, that is unattainable, and therefore not safe at all. I have realised that by exposing myself, I have made myself vulnerable and weak. I can't afford to do that any more.

I had lunch with L yesterday. I have found, over the relatively short time I have really known her, that she provides a sort of mirror to me. Although our difficulties are very different, there are parallels. We connect on a fairly deep level, that I can't really explain. Normally, I would refrain from making such a bold statement, preferring to have confirmation of a connection from the other party. But it's unnecessary. It doesn't matter whether L feels the same, whether she shares the realisation of a connection. It's important to me because talking to her, whether it's me talking or her, seems to bring a little clarity to my thoughts. The more I know about her, her situation, her battles and her demons, the more I understand about my own.

I can't explain it, not in any clear way, that would make sense to anyone but me. But then this is my diary, my catharsis, my way of communicating with myself.

So today, I try to let go of the past. Finally. Unequivocally. No more prevarication. How much easier is it to use such powerful words than to live by them? But I must try, for my own sake. For my self-preservation.