14 May 2009

I’ve realised, after much more time than is good for me, that I need to move on. Not just in terms of my relationships past, but in terms of relationships generally. I had, perhaps naively, thought that I could have a relationship and integrate it into my life. I can’t. Too many people have a stake in my life, and even more seem to feel that they do, for me to be able to form a successful relationship. Maybe in the future, but certainly not right now.

My boys have always been my top priority, and that will never change. It has led to me making decisions that have made it impossible to forge a successful relationship. Not that for a moment I regret the decisions I made. I learned long ago to have no regrets. I can learn from past mistakes, in the hope of avoiding them in future, but it is futile to regret them.

The biggest mistake was to throw myself into a relationship, to kid myself that it would work, when I should have been able to see that the odds were stacked against me. I have always given my heart too readily, been willing to make declarations of love too readily. Not that it hasn’t been sincere. I don’t believe in saying anything that isn’t sincere, and I hope that I’m very in touch with my feelings and able to read and express them in an open and appropriate way, at an appropriate time.

I did love E, and K and C, and one or two others as well along the way; in many ways I still do. I was ‘in love’ with them but failed to appreciate the point at which being ‘in love’ segues into just loving them – into a deep and enduring fondness and respect. I have learned that the concept of ‘one true love for life’, whilst undoubtedly making sense and being true for some, is a crock of shit for me. Or at least so it has proved.

Because I have failed to appreciate the point at which it all changes, I have caused those others unhappiness. E, perhaps because she is the mother of my boys, has been endlessly tolerant and forgiving of my flaws, for which I remain eternally grateful. So far as K and C are concerned, there was no such connection to provide the driver for tolerance.

I have been a victim of my own openness and honesty. What I saw as a virtue, and I think in most cases others did too, has been my undoing. I need to find a way of achieving balance in the future if I am to have any hope of success in a relationship.

But that is entirely my responsibility, nobody else’s.