18 May 2009
And so it is...
At last I have the answer that I was seeking for so long. I now know that there is no prospect of anything from my last relationship. I still didn't get what I really wanted, more than anything, which was clarity over what went wrong, all the mixed messages I was receiving, but at least I know that it is over, which is at least something.
I am left to ponder the reasons, but I can put my own construct on that, and it's not pretty. At best it was the MS, the difficulties of dealing with uncertainty which, I have to be honest, I don't much like and, were I C, I might well have come to the same conclusion. At worst, it is things that are really too unpalatable to contemplate, and too unpleasant to even hint at here. And which, if they were true, would call into question my judgement of my partners, past and future. That's something I don't want to begin to think about.
My dear friend H has told me I am silly, too emotional and too tied to a dream of finding someone who is as near perfect as I can. Perhaps she's right. For sure I have a dream, but perhaps the girl of my dreams is just that. As I am under no illusions that I might be the man of anybody's dreams. Possibly the man of many peoples' nightmares, but not dreams.
That is not to deny my many finer qualities, but I'm not sure they're enough to keep anyone happy for long. If after two years C was unconvinced that my finer qualities were worth putting up with the MS, and my present impoverished situation, and my depression (a fairly constant companion of late, since my experience with discrimination that really knocked me for six), then I don't see much positive in my future with regard to relationships.
Perhaps I have to find contentment in my present state, or place less importance on honesty and integrity than hitherto. I'm not sure why I should expect less from others that I expect of myself, but then perhaps I am also unrealistic about the other influences that we all have in our lives. Although it still grates a bit that my own shortcomings should somehow take on greater significance than those of others.
At last I have the answer that I was seeking for so long. I now know that there is no prospect of anything from my last relationship. I still didn't get what I really wanted, more than anything, which was clarity over what went wrong, all the mixed messages I was receiving, but at least I know that it is over, which is at least something.
I am left to ponder the reasons, but I can put my own construct on that, and it's not pretty. At best it was the MS, the difficulties of dealing with uncertainty which, I have to be honest, I don't much like and, were I C, I might well have come to the same conclusion. At worst, it is things that are really too unpalatable to contemplate, and too unpleasant to even hint at here. And which, if they were true, would call into question my judgement of my partners, past and future. That's something I don't want to begin to think about.
My dear friend H has told me I am silly, too emotional and too tied to a dream of finding someone who is as near perfect as I can. Perhaps she's right. For sure I have a dream, but perhaps the girl of my dreams is just that. As I am under no illusions that I might be the man of anybody's dreams. Possibly the man of many peoples' nightmares, but not dreams.
That is not to deny my many finer qualities, but I'm not sure they're enough to keep anyone happy for long. If after two years C was unconvinced that my finer qualities were worth putting up with the MS, and my present impoverished situation, and my depression (a fairly constant companion of late, since my experience with discrimination that really knocked me for six), then I don't see much positive in my future with regard to relationships.
Perhaps I have to find contentment in my present state, or place less importance on honesty and integrity than hitherto. I'm not sure why I should expect less from others that I expect of myself, but then perhaps I am also unrealistic about the other influences that we all have in our lives. Although it still grates a bit that my own shortcomings should somehow take on greater significance than those of others.
posted by somebody else at
16:13
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