1 September 2006

It’s getting so hard to work this all out. I felt absolutely exhausted when I got home last night, but can’t tell if that was to do with the stress of going to the dentist (including 2 flights of stairs up to the surgery) or part of the problem. I figure it was the former, since this morning I actually felt pretty ok, despite not sleeping too well and waking up at 6. But then getting the slightly later train, so no seat, then no seat on the DLR, standing for 45 mins, probably wasn’t the best start to the day. I just want to crawl back to bed and curl up, preferably with someone special, but I’d even settle for on my own.

It’s annoying that, I suppose like being tired any time, I can just push through it and I don’t seem to keel over, but I’m thoroughly fed up with it. I want the morning spring in my step back. I want to feel like I can walk for miles. Actually just a mile would do me. Damn it anything, but just not this the whole time. I’m not ready yet to spend my time shuffling round indoors.

I hope the test comes through soon. It’s been two weeks now since I saw Dr Cheung, and he basically wrote out the referral letter while I was in the room with him, so the appointment ought to come through soon, surely. I live in hope.

I was chatting to Heather last night, and it suddenly occurred to me that I can empathise with her, that feeling sick the whole time really is the pits. In the past I’ve not been unsympathetic, but rather surprised that after years of feeling sick all the time she hadn’t become a little more phlegmatic. I can see that if I had to go through this, month after month, year after year, with no sign of any solution, I’d find being phlegmatic pretty tough to manage too.

I wish I could just do something to combat the tiredness. If I knew I could eat energy food, drink Red Bull, take Pro Plus, anything, and it would relieve the tiredness, I’d do it like a shot. As it is, there seems to be nothing I can do. I just have to poke up with it for now. I’m tempted to try coffee, but I can’t see it doing much. I’ve gone more than 3 months without drinking coffee regularly, and I figure my body ought to have come to terms with that and be thoroughly detoxed (if indeed you can do a coffee detox). In any event, it seems improbable that drinking a heap of coffee now would do anything other than give me a short-term boost that would quickly be lost as my body adapted to regular intake of stimulants.