20 March 2007

I’ve had some very unpleasant thoughts over the past 24 hours. My emotions are swinging pretty wildly after discovering about my next colorectal appointment. I was thinking, I’ve got MS and now bowel cancer (or so it seems), both diagnosed within a few weeks. It crossed my mind that life is getting pretty crowded, and not in a good way. As I was struggling to walk to the station, I’m thinking is this really worth it? If all I’m doing is struggling to merely exist.

Of course the thoughts passed, as they always have. I remain, as I have been since my first encounter with depression, totally indifferent as to whether I live or die. I have no desire to hasten my departure from this mortal coil but, if/when it happens, I won’t be too bothered. I have no great fear of death, and would regret it prematurely only from the point of view of looking after my children.

Life is, after all, a terminal illness.