13 June 2009

I have been thinking. Yes I know, it's hardly rocket science, and not something that's a rare occurence for me, but this time I think it's been more productive.

For some time it's been bothering me, the relationship thing, why they haven't worked for me and so on. Well I think (which is always a slightly dangerous thing to do) that I have figured it out - with the help of a friend. Talking things through always seems to clear the mist, and the more I talk, the more openly I talk, and the more I listen, the more the mist seems to fade and the clearer things become.

I'm probably waffling; it has been my way for far too long, so perhaps it's time to cut to the chase. The thing is, I have always thought that people are open and honest and direct in the way they relate to me. Perhaps that's born of my belief in the fundamental 'goodness' of everyone, I don't know. Anyway, I've realised that when push comes to shove, not everyone can be open. It's human nature perhaps not to want to talk frankly when things are falling apart, even if you do so in the good times - and it's a big assumption that even that happens.

So, that leaves me open to confusion. I always want to believe that the feelings and candour that are so often clearly there in the early stages of a relationship (after all, why go into a relationship if you don't feel that you understand a person?) may just switch off, in the same way that the love and affection switch off.

In my last two relationships I have been told of a desire to remain friends, even that one of them told me she was still friends with most of her exes. On reflection, this has to be complete bunk. If you experience the intensity of feeling implict in a strong relationship, then how can that just morph into the more casual connection of a friendship? Combined with the lack of candour that seems typical in a break-up, it then makes no sense that anything can remain afterwards. Perhaps my idealism is at fault; believing that the love that is expressed in a relationship can form a basis for something after the break-up is a recipe for disaster.

So, I've reached a conclusion. Not everyone is open and honest and direct all the time. I can't expect that others will be as comfortable as I am at expressing their feelings. If I cling to my belief in the basic, fundamental goodness and honesty in people, then I am setting myself up to be disappointed, confused and hurt.

It all comes down to pendulum swings. The higher the highs, then the lower the lows. Everyone wants to protect themselves, and the way to do that is to just shut yourself off. Painful though it has been, that it the reality, and only by accepting that can I protect myself, and move on.

So, it's taken some time, but I genuinely believe that I have now found peace, I have found the understanding that has been so elusive. And from that flows contentment. And I feel very contented now.