4 June 2009

A strange day. It feels like things are finally falling into place for me and yet I still feel unsettled. Like I'm missing something.

The benefits situation seems to be getting sorted out, the MS is (touch wood) stable, and I'm thinking about dating again. Everything should be peachy.

I've had some longish conversation recently that have helped me see things more clearly. Things like I don't need to understand the reasons for the break up of my last relationship. Not that it doesn't matter - it does. But it makes no difference why it happened. Maybe it was because of the mistakes I made, maybe it was because of the MS, maybe it just went stale. It could be any or all of these, or something else. But it doesn't matter.

I got hung up on the idea that if I dont understand the reasons for past failures then I am destined to repeat them. And there's a lot of truth in that. But it's also true that I know where I made mistakes. The MS is what it is. If the relationship went stale, that's just how it was. Mistakes that I made, I understand and can avoid in future. The other things, I can do nothing about, so the next person (or the one after that) will have to be someone who wants me for me, doesn't care about the MS (and I mean really doesn't care, rather than saying one thing and meaning it with fingers crossed) and is prepared to put up with the ebbs and flows of life with me.

I know it was probably optimistic of me to say that I didn;t want to be treated like an invalid. I didn't. I don't. Even if I end up in a wheelchair pissing down a tube and shitting myself without warning, I still don't want to be treated like an invalid. What I want, what I need, is for someone to understand that, but to know that what I want and what i need are two different things. That I'm just a man, and it's not easy for me to accept that I can't do the things I want to do. Hell, that's not being a man, it's just being a human being.

I need somebody who understands that I'm not a possessive or jealous person. That I dont feel the need to be babied, or included in everything, every second of the day. That I am quite comfortable being in a relationship with someone who needs time to themselves, who will go out with her friends, who will go shopping or walking in the hills of shooting rapids without me.

I know this because I know myself, better than ever. I know that having time apart can be just as important as time together.