17 January 2007

It would be too melodramatic to suggest that I am feeling I have reached rock bottom, but there is no doubt that I’m not feeling at my best. In any case, I’m sure there’s always further to go - however far down you fall you can always start digging.

Although I have only a couple of weeks to go before my MRI, I’m feeling more negative than I have in some considerable time. I seem to be so tired the whole time, and I feel things are getting gradually worse. I suspect in reality that’s just my perception, but perception becomes reality by default, in the absence of any other evidence.

I suppose that part of it is a bit of depression over things in general, as that tends to lead to lethargy. And it could be that I’m misreading things – I’m feeling like it’s really a struggle to walk today, my legs are really stiff, but then I went to the gym last night, so maybe it’s more to do with that. There is a distinct irony in that I can work out at the gym just fine, and I feel really good afterwards, really invigorated, really alive - if exhausted - but it’s doing ordinary stuff like walking along the street that gets to me.

I’ve also gone full circle in relationship terms. I’m no longer approaching anybody because I feel too much of a cripple (hyperbole) to get involved with anyone, so it’s just the occasional person who approaches me. This led to a peculiarly depressing encounter (thankfully only online) with someone who after chatting a little while admitted she served a month in jail only a few years ago for having someone steal her estranged husband’s sports car. I suppose I admire her honesty, but it really doesn’t strike me as a great background for someone I might want to get to know better.

How did it ever come to this?

My self-image is suffering too. I don’t have the ability to keep up my exercise to maintain progress to the body shape I want or even, it seems, to keep my weight properly under control – it’s not that bad I suppose, ‘only’ an extra stone, but it’s not what I want. My appearance had become a very positive part of my overall self-image, since I realised that just keeping myself fit led to control over my weight, and that I then felt really good about myself. That, of course, has gone right out of the window for the moment.

I am trying to address the negativity by focusing on developing my mind, but I know in my heart that my physical self is also important to me. I like to be appreciated/admired for my mind, and I do still believe I have a fine mind, but I also want to feel physically attractive and desirable. At the moment, I don’t.

So, how am I feeling? Well, no longer angry. I don’t think I have the energy to be angry. I feel numb, helpless, alone, lonely, sad, dejected, neglected, rejected. I am feeling in the right frame of mind for writing good poetry - dark, brooding, heavily depressing poetry - if only I could be bothered. It’s not self-pity, I don’t think, just self-awareness.

On the plus side, perversely, I am glad to be alone. I don’t have to worry about dragging anyone else down, which troubled me enormously when I was dating. I don’t have to think about anyone else. Sure, I don’t have anyone other than friends to share my misery with, but that’s a double-edged sword in any case. I don’t have anyone to care about me, but that allows me to be totally self-centred, and forces me to be self-reliant, which I think is a very positive thing.