29 May 2013

After some consideration, I have decided to bid you farewell dear diary. I could have continued to record the minutiae of my life, to document my struggles with life, but what would be the point?

I started to write as a cathartic exercise. For that I thank you. You have been all I needed and more. After a while I harboured thoughts that I might turn you into a book, but my half-hearted attempts only succeeded in attracting vanity publishers, who would publish a cheese sandwich if it was willing to pay. 

I could carry on writing about having regained some sensitivity in my fingers, but it's all mundane. 

13 May 2013

It is done. I have pushed the self-destruct button. Now I know that I have lost everything that matters. I can't blame anybody or anything. This is all my own work. It matters not if the MS has anything to do with it. The end result is the same. 

I can't stop feeling resentful about stuff, but nor can I adequately express my resentment. It just goes round and round in my head. 

The worst of it is that I know I set myself up to feel resentment. I don't think I do it intentionally. I just think I make bad life choices, then I am somehow surprised when they come to an entirely predictable result. 

I still continue to be stupidly generous, then I am surprised when that generosity is taken for granted. 

I am so fucked up it's not funny any more. Yesterday I spent time helping someone to prepare a presentation. It was no big deal . I knew how to do it, and I knew that she didn't.

Then today she sent me an email suggesting that we weren't getting on (true) and that it would be better if we had "minimal contact' for a few months.  I know what she means. It would be better if we had no contact, at all, ever,

So that's it. My farewell tour is over. All it really showed me is that the places that held happy memories are just places. The memories are happy ones because I thought I was happy. 

In truth I was only happy because I had bought into a lie. And I am still buying into it. A virtueless circle founded on the triumph of hope over expectation.