24 August 2010

It's happened. I have my new home! Fully wheelchair-accessible and with space for a carer when I need one. I couldn't believe it when I saw the place. It's a bit of a blank canvas, but that makes it ideal for me to make it my own.

My OT also came to see it with me, and I think she was just as impressed as I was. I really am so fortunate to have had so many people fighting my corner. It's very humbling.

15 August 2010

I was awake at about 4 this morning, reflecting on a total bitch of a weekend. The extreme fatigue I was feeling turned into near-paralysis in my legs. I have pain in the right side of my upper body - possibly from muscle strain - so it hurts to take a deep breath, or yawn, or cough.

Somehow, I knew this was happening on Friday evening, I guess I'm getting used to spotting the warning signs, so I phoned my younger son and asked him to stay with me for a few days. He did not hesitate. I guess that is what unconditional love means. He has been here for two nights, and there's no way that I could have got by without him.

But that set me thinking: how could I expect any woman to get into a relationship with me, knowing the sacrifices she would have to make? My ex has been an absolute star, but then we have over 25 years of history. Can I really expect someone else to take on that responsibility? Is it fair and reasonable?

12 August 2010

A day of great contrasts. I haven't felt so tired in ages. I only just caught the train by the skin of my teeth this morning, and only had the energy to work my way half way towards the front. So when I arri9ved at London Bridge, it took what felt like hours to exit the station.

The bus stop nearest work was being dug up by workmen, but luckily the bus driver stopped just past it. I had to sit on the bench in the bus shelter to get myself ready for the last couple of hundred yards to the office, but I made it. The day passed uneventfully enough, but when I left, I really just wanted to go to sleep. I arrived at the station with barely 10 minutes until my train left. I knew I couldn't make it. Perhaps on a good day, but today wasn't a good day.

As I made my way towards the escalators, I don't know what happened - perhaps all the people rushing past disorientated me, but I suddenly felt myself going over. A very kind man half caught me and (displaying remarkable sensitivity) asked me if I wanted to get myself up or wanted a hand. To be honest, I'd have been mighty grateful to be effortlessly hoisted to my feet, but not wishing to be a total wuss, I turned over onto my hands and knees and rose up, thanking him for his kindness.

Of course, I missed the train. It was 2 or 3 minutes from leaving as I passed through the barrier, so I knew that the only sensible thing was to take advantage of the thoughtfully located bench and spend 10 minutes recovering my composire before the final stretch.

Anyone would think it was a trek through the Himalayas.

10 August 2010

Today I was visited by the lady from the housing association. I suppose it does seem a bit odd, but then Habinteg is no ordinary housing association. They specialise in accessible housing, so it's very important to them that they have tenants who will benefit from the facilities they provide. I will, I promise you I will.

So having jumped through so many hoops to get to where I am, I now have to wait a few more days to find out if the bungalow is to be mine. Waiting waiting waiting, Ah well, I have nothing but time.

6 August 2010

I have always been a dreamer, for as long as I can remember. My main fantasy, if you can call it that, it to be a hero of some kind, to do something that makes me the subject of awe in others.

I was musing this morning as I sat on the train about how unlikely it would be for me to be portrayed in a film, or at least about the problems of doing so. The thing is, that films always seem to show the hero in a constant state. He may get worse, he may get better, but he never seems to get worse, then better, then worse again.

There are no great number of cripples in film or television drama, at least not as the hero. Of course there was Ironside, and there's House (now that's my kind of hero - the misanthropic almost anti-hero) but neither of them gets better one day, then worse the next. If they do change, it's central to the plot, not an adjunct. It's as if it would be a distraction from the central story. A bit like a character going to the toilet for no reason other than to have a pee - no clandestine meeting with an emeny agent, or secret assignation with a rent boy, just to answer the call of nature!

But then I guess it wouldn't work. People like things to happen in a linear fashion, nice and neatly packaged for them. And perhaps for most people that's how life happens - you get older, richer, poorer, sicker, in a nice neat readily understandable progression.

I don't yearn for my life to work that way. I'm quite content with the unpredictability. It is what it is.

5 August 2010

I have a feeling that I am at times becoming a characture of a characature. I was wobbling into my bedroom the other evening, carrying a cup of tea, and it occured to me that I was a little like Mrs Overall, the character played by Julie Walters in Acorn Antiques. With my back hunched over, swaying from side to side, it was impossible not to see the funny side of it.

4 August 2010

Well, the head-spinning events seem to be coming thick and fast. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it, but clearly things are falling into place.

I now have (other things being equal) my new home. I don't quite know whether to believe it or not, as I've struggled to make do in my flat for too long. I don't know yet when I can move in, but that seems to be such an irrelevant detail when compared to staring at a list of unsuitable properties for months, never really believing that anything would come along.

I will try to be more diligent in my recording of this particular aspect of my journey as I feel sure that it will be fraught with pitfalls along the way. If it isn't, then I'm sure it will be the kindness I continue to encounter from everyone who touches my life.

2 August 2010

I had a whistful moment the other evening. I was watching a film, I can't remember the title, and it doesn't matter.

The two main characters were roaming around, Los Angeles I think, but it reminded me of the South Bank, and how I used to enjoy walking there, in fact I enjoyed walking around London in general. Or any city come to that. An especially pleasant evening in Madrid, or in Paris. All places where I have loved walking aimlessly.

And I realised, how lucky I was to have been able to do it, for the opportunity to wander, freely, soaking up the atmosphere.

Lucky because, of course, I can't do it any more. In fact it's the first thing that I truly miss.