27 November 2013

I watched "I am breathing" last night, about a guy with motor neurone disease. I found myself empathising with him, but also envying him. I often say MS won't kill me, but sometimes I wish it would. I know how negative that sounds but living like this is a bastard at times. I know I am surrounded by people who love me, but in some ways that is worse. It dissuaded me from taking 'the coward's way out'. 

Life sucks sometimes :-(

8 November 2013

Thinking is often hazardous. My propensity for thinking makes it more so. Thinking about where I am going and why seems to provide few answers and dig up more questions. 

Pre-MS was easy. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I could stay up all night and still function the following day. 

Now everything seems to be punctuated with a huge question mark. I want a relationship. Someone to talk to who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. A partner in crime. 

And the strangest thing is that I've always been very realistic; I've known if someone is out of my league (and vice versa, I guess). I know I'm clever. I know I'm fairly good looking. I know I'm good company (in all sorts of ways). 

But thinking realistically, brutally honestly, I have no idea if I'm the kind of person that I would go out with. I mean, if I was single, my age, would I want to go out with a person with MS? I'd like to think the answer would be yes, but thinking about it in the cold light of day, I can honestly say that I have no idea.