23 April 2013

An odd kind of calm has descended. I can't quite put my finger on why, but mustn't grumble; it's better to be calm than becalmed.

21 April 2013

Realising the futility of it all is progress. I think.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog entitled "Who gives a fuck?" It was intended to be rhetorical; one or two nice people posted nice replies, but mostly it was, as I expected a deafening silence.

None of the people I care about, and I would have hoped cared about me, said anything. After I abandoned my trip to a club night I was really looking forward to, nobody acknowledged my absence. I can only conclude that I remain alone in this world.

And I keep finding myself resenting the kindnesses I try to do for others. Of course I don't expect anything in return, and if my life was more full I wouldn't even notice. But it isn't. So I do.

I hate that if I dropped off the grid, nobody but my close relatives and a handful of friends half a world away would even notice that I'd gone. But it's true.

I often think about that much-devalued word 'friend'. Nobody can truly count as friends those who would mourn their passing. I could list those on the back of a postage stamp, and still have space to write a shopping list.

True friends are the ones who miss you, who track you down because they've not seen you or heard from you. How many of us, in this increasingly virtual world, can honestly claim there are many?

21 April 2013

I'm glad I'm on antidepressants because they stop me crying. Actually, that might not be such a good thing. Maybe I could do with a good weep. I just drove 60 miles to meet up with friends, then 60 miles back. The reason for not stopping? I got out of the car and realised I felt too unsteady to make the 100m or so, then the stairs, then actually spend time doing what I went for.

That is, I think, the final nail in my coffin. I can now do nothing independently, unless I can go by public transport.

I looked at the beautiful bottle of Irish malt whiskey sitting on my kitchen work top and mused that drinking myself into an early grave is starting to look more and more attractive with every passing day.

I'm sure things will look better in the morning.

14 April 2013

Today I realised two things. The first is perhaps blindingly obvious; i don't have to worry about this diary being a complete or comprehensive or chronological account of this part of my life. By definition It is. So far so lacking in insight.

The other is more curious. My last partner was the first, that I am aware of, who was as totally free of faith as I am. Which is curious. Most people are left with some vestigial soupçon of something, usually a remnant of their childhood. But not she.

12 April 2013

This week I have been 're-abled'. A weird name for highly effective service.

I knew I needed more support. I didn't want to admit it, but it's happening. I've been awarded another seven hours per week. Not much, but enough. For now at least.

6 April 2013

Ah, a new tax year. Delightful. Time to stand up and be counted. Metaphorically, that is. The government should be ashamed of the way it is trying its hardest to screw the disabled and give tax cuts to the rich. Shame on you.

I was one of those who would have benefitted, long long ago, in a land far far away.

And I would have opposed what they're doing, with every last breath in my body. "What shall It profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?" I don't believe in a god, but the man who wrote those words was certainly a great philosopher.

And as for claiming you could live on £53,a week. Don't insult our intelligence. If I could work, don't you think I would? I'd be earning more than you and still be happily paying taxes to allow those less fortunate to live with a little dignity.

4 March 2013

Today has been a good day but exhausting. I spent most of it reviewing my elder son's Uni work; it brought back good memories of when I did my Master's. It was also really nice to be able to pass on some of the skills that were drilled into me by my quite frankly awesome course tutor. The most frustrating part was that my hands shake (intention tremor) which makes pressing the keys on my PC a bit hit and miss. Bugger.

I had a break in the middle, met a friend for tea. Very nice, easy chat and relax. The snow pelting down (In April?) was very surreal, but that's life!

2 April 2013

A good day all things considered. The 'reablement' man is coming to see me on Friday, to see what kind of reabling I need, presumably. All aimed at helping me to remain independant, at the same time as clipping my benefits. They are so screwed up its a wonder they can cope with emptying the bins.